Jokes Thread

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'



It pays to be careful around old people

 

Subject: FW: FW: The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican

>
>
> The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an
> audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the
> Holy Father. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son, says the Pope, "what can I do for you?
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
> nun in Rome?"
>
> The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
> answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
>
> In the background a few of the dwarfs start gigglin & Dopey turns
> around
> and gives them a glare, silencing them.
>
> Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf
nuns in all of
> Europe?"
>
> The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and
then
> answers,"Dopey,
> there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of
the other
> dwarfs
> burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and
silences
> them with
> an angry glare.
>
> Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are
there ANY
> dwarf nuns
> anywhere in the world?"
>
> After consulting with his advisers, the Pope responds,
"I'm sorry my
> son,
> there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
>
> The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing
and pounding
> the
> floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin
chanting,
>
> "Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

 

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, Dicky?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?"

"I cannot say."


"Was it Teresa Brown?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Margaret Doyle?"


"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Anne O' Neil?"

"My lips are sealed."


"Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.. "You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 Months holiday and five good leads."

 

Phone Call
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello?"
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it, sweetie?"
Man: "Sure... go ahead if you like it that much. I want you to be happy."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one that I really liked. It's a beautiful silver."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$60,000"
Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and just one more thing... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: "Wow, then go ahead and make them an offer, but just offer $895,000."
Woman: "Okay. Thank you darling -- you're wonderful! I'll see you later! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

 

cracker!!!! lol

 

lol.. that golf one was a belter..

 

same i thought the golf one was a cracker anol

 

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello, How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked. "Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died", her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia."


------------------------------------------------------------
A Scotsman, an Irishman, and a Rabbi walk into a bar and the barman says, "Is this a joke?"

 

An old man aged 90 gets married to a young girl aged 20 and goes to his doctor for *. The doctor says ''sorry but giving a man aged 90 * can be dangerous''. The old man pleads and begs for *, after a while the doctor gives in and states though it can only be taken under strict guide lines and only for five days. The doctor says take ''half a dose ,skip a day, half a dose skip a day until the fifth day''. The old man does this for the five days, when his wife rings the doctor and says ''he's dead''. The doctor said ''I knew if I gave him * it would kill him'', his wife said ,''no it wasn't the * that killed him ,it was all that dammed skipping'.

----------------------------------------------
Q: How do you make a hormone? A: Don't pay her!
------------------------------------------------
A church advertises for a bell ringer.A small armless man applies for the job. But how, the priest inquires, can you ring the bell without any arms? The man replies by ringing the bell with his head. The tone he elicits is very clear and sweet, and soon a crowd gathers in the courtyard below, so beautiful is the sound. And just then the man, running at the bell, trips and falls over the parapet to his death. The priest runs down to his body and is asked if he knows who the man is. I don't know his name, he replies, but his face rings a bell. The next day the armless man's brother shows up and tells the priest he would like to apply for the job. He rings the bell in the traditional way, but trips toward the end of his audition and goes to his death in the same manner as his brother. Once again the priest runs to his side and is asked if he knows who the dead man is. I don't know his name, the priest says, but he is a dead ringer for his brother.

 

My Two Favourite Jokes

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the idiot hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the man. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."


-----------------------------------------------

Two men are sitting drinking in a crowded bar . One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!' The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other man will do. The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!' The other man says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.

 

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to The bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take
four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for
the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the
top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes two birds out of the box,
puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to
the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, '* dat. Dis budgie jumping is too *'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet
shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy. Watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box
and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the
cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the
bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by
its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down
until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. '* dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. ..and now Sean and
his *'n hengliding!'

 

.. that above joke had me pmsl..

 

This man pulls up in his Merc beside a little boy.

He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car."

To which the kid replies, "Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!"








A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky."

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat *."








What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?


I don't * on an apple before I start eating it

 

Bit sick?

 

Aye

 

That's the point mate

 

Either I don't get the joke or your a sick person....

 

How can you tell if the barmaids * off with you?

Theres a string hanging from your * mary.

 

Define an Italian virgin....

...a girl who can run faster than her brother.

 

And * created Ireland......


Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven * went missing for seven days.
Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him.
He enquired of * 'Where were you?'
* breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds.
Look son, look what I'm after making'.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said 'What is it?'
* replied It's another planet, but I'm after putting Life on it.
I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on
it.
For example, there's North America and South America.
North America is going to be rich and South Americawill be poor, and
the narrow bit joining them will be a hot spot.
Now look over here I've put a continent of whites in the North and
another one of blacks in the south.'
Then the Archangelsaid 'What's that green dot there?'
'Ahhh, that's the Emerald Isle,' * said, 'that's a very special place.

That's going to be the most glorious spot on Earth, beautiful mountains,
lakes, rivers,
streams and exquisite coastline. These people here are going to be *'s
own people,
the salt of the Earth, they'll be great craic and they're going to be found
travelling the
world spreading the craic. They'll be playwrights and poets, singers and
songwriters
and I'm going to give them this black liquid, which they're going to go mad
on, and for
which people will come from the far corners of the Earth to drink.'
Michael the Archangelgasped in wonder and admiration, then seemingly
startled, he said,
'Hold on a second, what about BALANCE, you said there was going to be
balance..?'
* winked and replied wisely, 'Wait 'til you see the * I'm putting
next door to them!!