Jokes Thread

ha ha!!!

 

A Celtic fan and a Rangers fan have a car accident,it's a bad one. Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are demolished, but amazingly both of them are unhurt. They crawl out of their cars & the Rangers fan says, "So you're a Celtic fan, that's interesting. I'm a Rangers fan, Wow! Just look at our cars. There wrecked but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from * that we should be friends & put our differences behind us." The Celtic fan replied," I agree completely, this must be a sign from *!" The Celtic fan continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely * wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan opens it and takes a few swigs from the bottle & hands it back. The Rangers fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Celtic fan grins and says, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police

 

lol, thats a good 1

 

A few good uns there bhoys.
Well played

 

Ponderings collection

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

How do you KNOW it's new and improved dog food?

Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?

Why do they call then express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped?

Why is abreviation such a long word?

If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad?

 

On her 70th birthday, an old spinnster decides it's time to finnaly get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:

" Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person"

The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.

She asks the man, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?" The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?"

The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!"

 

what do you call a Chinese fertilizer farmer?

who.flung.dung


what do you call a Chinese baby in a microwave?

PING

what do you call a Chinese man with one leg?

tie.wan.shoe

what do you call a chinese car stealer?

tommy.took.a.motor

do you get all the jokes

 

man and wife lying in bed man lets one go and says''one nil''wife squeezes one out and says''one all''.this continues till two each when the man farts and follows through * the bed, wife screams'' whit the fecks that''man replies ''half time,switch sides''.

 

HA HA LOL PML

 

One day a Black guy that was trying to Rob a bank, dies in a
shootput with the cops. So when he goes up to heaven, he's
waiting in line to tell St.Peter his name, so finally he gets up
there, and St. Peter asks him "Your name, kind sir," and the
black guy says "Leonardo DiCaprio." St.Peter confused says, "ok
hold on a sec." And he goes to his office, picks up the phone
and calls *. When * picks up the phone, St.Peter says "*,
did the Titanic sink or burn?"

 

died in a shootput ! * me that must have been scary

 

Shortput*

THey were throwing big massive metal balls at each other. dangerous.

 

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says
'You're gonna get laid tonight'
She asks
'How do you know?,are you phsycic?
To which the man replies
'No...I'm just stronger than you

 

A woman says to a man
'Is that a gun in your pocket,or are you just pleased to see me?
The man replies
'Both,this is rape'

 

You're locked in a cell with a Rangers fan,a rattlesnake and a lion.
You have a gun with two bullets.What do you do?





You shoot the Rangers fan.............................................tw ice.

 

Like a midget in a urinal,I was going to have to stay on my toes.

Like a blind man at an orgy,I was going to have to feel my way around.

 

Why should you never knock down a Scouser on a bike?


It's probably your bike.

 

woman goes to doctor about the rash on her vag**na
doc asks her how often she has *
she says about twice a year
doc says to her thats no a rash its feckin rust.

 

mickey mouse goes to his lawyer to start divorce proceedings
lawyer says look mickey you cant file for divorce because minnies got bucked teeth
mickey says i didnt say shes got bucked teeth i said she was fecking goofy.