Jokes Thread

your in heaven

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando,
thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from
South to North.


On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"$10,000 per call".


The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what
the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to *.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the
same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its
purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
he could talk to *.

"O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia,Boston
and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the
same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to SCOTLAND to see
if SCOTS had the same phone.

He arrived in SCOTLAND, and again, in the first church he entered, there
was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40
pence per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.


"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven,
but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"




The priest smiled and answered, "You're in SCOTLAND now, son - it's
a local call".

 

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called turpentine."
The priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy."
The little boy replied, "That ain't nothin. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's * and he'll pass a motorcycle."

 

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the Essex girl
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout

WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"

 

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.

"he says."Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."



Essex Girl enters a * shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."


An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Romford, mate."



An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her.

"Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There’s hundreds of them!"



Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere.

The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my * I'm paralysed from the waist down!"



An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.

She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So the Irish guy smiles,puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me
roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"

"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them.

 

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two *, they come together. I come again. Two *, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our * lives in public.'' ''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

 

Two dons fans are traveling by plane with their sheep herd to their new farm. Suddenly, the plane engine fails and the whole things starts going down.
Dons fan 1: Quick! Grap a parachute and jump!!
Dons fan 2: WHat aboot de sheep?
Dons fan 1: * THE SHEEP!!!
Dons fan 2 (pauses): ...errm...d'ye think we have time??

 

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a * called back

 

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every
single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.
The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with
her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells
"Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her
composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told
you I broke every bone in my body."
The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss,"
he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is,
you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken
your finger."

 

good jokes there Bhoys

 

What do you say to a rangers supporter with a good looking woman on his arm ?


Nice tatoo

 

How is a pint of Milk different from a hun ?



if you leave the milk out for a week it develops a culture

 

lol

 

There have been some good jokes recently, could everyone remember to post them in here so that they are not lost in the pub forum. Cheers.

 

This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel down his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"
And the pirate says...
Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!

 

guy goes into a pub with a giraffe, they each get *. the guy goes to leave and the giraffe falls over, the barman shouts, oi mate u cant leave that lyin there, and the guy says its not a lion its a giraffe!

 

Don't get it.

 

i really don't get it

 

Scottishman, Englishman and Irishman go into a brothel. They all go into separate rooms, do their stuff and meet in a bar after it.

Scottishman; 'I went in to this stunning big blonde honey, she got ma * solid, slipped a pineapple ring round it and eat it off, it was * amazin man!'

Englishman; 'I went in to a * blonde supermodel aswell, she got ma * hard, slipped TWO pineapple rings round it and eat them off. I was in heaven'

Irishman; 'Thats nothing, i went into the most stunning woman ive ever seen, she got ma * throbbing, slipped a full tin of pineapple rings round it, skooshed some whipped cream on the head and put a strawberry on the top...' the other two; ya jammy *, what happened?...Irishman; 'it looked that good i eat it myself'

 

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Seamus and
Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the
sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over.


Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange, but he brought Sean in for a
second opinion.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him
over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't
Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes..."