Jokes Thread

All aboard the PC Bus

 

it is a bit of a racist joke.and i dont mean no harm to people with it.

 

i thought it was * halarious macki...keep it up

 

lol good joke mackie

 

David Beckham is on top of the main stand at Old Trafford ready to jump off after a nightmare first half of the Premiership and World Cup campaign. He's lost the World Cup for England by getting himself sent off and everyone and his dog hates him, Posh Spice has dumped him for Michael Owen and United have put him on the transfer market for 10 quid because he's playing sh*te. As he's about to jump off Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK, David?" asks Father Christmas. David explains his life is a mess and gets ready to jump... "STOP!" shouts Father Christmas. "I'll grant you three wishes on the understanding that you do me a favor". "That would be top!" says Beckham "Cheers, Father Christmas, thank you, thank you". Father Christmas asks him for his three wishes:
1) In the Argentina match I don't kick the Argy but shoot from the freekick and score, and ENGLAND go on to win the World Cup and I'm a National hero.
2) I marry Posh Spice and live in happiness.
3) I'm made best footballer in the world by FIFA and my wages go up to a million a week.
"OK, I'll grant your three wishes after you've done my little favour" said Father Christmas. " What do I have to" says Beckham. Father Christmas tells Beckham to drop his pants and bend over. After a brutal rogering, Father Christmas asks Beckham how old he is. "24" replies Beckham "Aren't you a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!!" laughs the fat, gay Man City fan.

 

A man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".

"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.

She prys off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands.

The girl drinks another one.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that * difficult, is it?" he says

 

quality jokes guys keep them coming

 

This has maybe alread been posted but heres goes:

Q: How many Aberdeen fans can you get in a police car?
A: One in the front, one in the back, and one on top going "nee naw neee naww neee naw"

Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp-post in Aberdeen?
A: A leisure centre.

Q: Why did the Dons fan climb the glass window?
A. To see what was on the other side.

One day 2 dons fans were doing a crossword.
Jock turns to Angus and says "Old McDonald had one of these?"
"Hey, I know" says Angus, "It's got tae be a farm".
"How do you spell that?" asks Jock.
"E-I-E-I-O" says Angus.

Q: What's the difference between an aberdeen fan and a Chimp?
A: Ones hairy, stupid and smells, and the other is a chimpanzee.

- includes football betting. ​

Q: What do you call an Aberdeen fan with lots of girlfriends?
A: A Shepherd

Two Dons supporting farmers are flying with their herd of sheep to a new farm.
Suddenly, the plane engine fails and it rapidly descends towards the ground.
Dons Fan 1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
Dons Fan 2: What about the sheep ???
Dons Fan 1: * the sheep!!!
Dons Fan 2: ...(pause)... Do you think we have time?

Q: What do you call an Aberdeen fan with Five sheep?
A: A pimp.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "I'm a bit worried - can you get pregnant from * intercourse?"
"Of course," replies the doctor, "Where do you think Aberdeen fans come from?"

Q: Why is the pitch at Pittodrie so Green?
A: Because they keep putting lots of * on it.

Q: How do you kill a Dons fan when he's been drinking?
A: Slam the toilet seat on his head.

 

[FONT=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular]Why Football Grounds Are Like Women[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular]1. there is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of play

2. pitches vary from the well grassed to the completley bald

3. remember, it is possible to score at both ends

4. tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with ground owner

5. be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground

6. only some grounds offer five a side facilities

7. dont ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previosly visited

8. extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings

9. if the ground does not seem to have undersoil heating, suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner

10. when building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back

11. wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles

12. always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel, do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnell to the goal mouth and score. that can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground

13. personal morals may be compromised by local derbies

14. it is illegal to play on small,unturfed pitches

15. from time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbant goalie

16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy

17. French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should

18. very few grounds are found with executive boxes

19. be wary of grounds with room for coaches

20. always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy two evenings a week

21. pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if u * the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead

22. players must agree personal terms with the club before being allowed to play on the turf

23. always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). that said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player [/FONT]

 

2 ladies walking home one night after a nights drinking get the urge 2 go 2 the toilet.not knowing where to go one lady says lets use this graveyard,the other lady replies,ok.
so in they go to the graveyard and do their business.
one of the ladies says.....hold on a minute what are we gonna wipe ourselves with.the other replies i don't know about u but i'm using my knickers so she wipes herself and throws them over the hedge...the other doesn't wanna do that cos its a cold nite...she grabs a bit of a wreath on a grave and uses it and off they walk home.

the following night the 2 husbands are out and get talking...the 1st husband says...."i dunno about u but i think there sometning going on with our wives!!"the other husband replies "me too,my wife came home last night with no knickers on!!!"

the other husband replies....."YOU THINK THATS BAD...MY WIFE CAME HOME WITH A TAG IN HER KNICKERS SAYING.....FROM ALL THE LADS IN THE FIRE STATION WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!!"

 

a woman was walking her young daughter through the park, when they notice a young teenage couple having * on the park bench.

The young girl says " mummy, what are they doing?"
The mother says " there baking cakes, now come along and leave them to it"

The mother thinks, well, i gotta take her mind of this. So, the next day she takes her daughter to the zoo. All of a sudden they see 2 chimpansee's at it like rabbits.

The young girl asks again " Mummy, are they baking cakes "
The mother says " Yes, now run along and have a look at them elephants"

A few days go by, and the mother has forgotten all about the incedent. When out of the blue, the little girl asks

" Mummy, you and Dad were baking cakes in the living room last night after i went to bed"

The mother was shocked and asked her " How did you know that!!!?"

The girl replied " Because i licked the iceing off the sofa this morning"

 

1. You're bald your whole life.

2. You have a hole in your head.

3. Your neighbors are nuts.

4. The guy behind you is an *.

And my personal favorite...

5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

 

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: - $1.50.
Chicken Sandwich: - $2.50.
Hand Job: - $10.00.
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am"
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

 

I laughed my nuts off at that Flump!

 

a classic joke lad!!!!

 

that jokes a belter mate hehehe

 

Your jokes are quality Flump, I think you should start your own new thread because they deserve one!

 

Nathan came to see his Auntie Lainey and pronounced loudly as he walked in the door "I had my first * today!"
Lainey was furious "You nasty little *! * off home!"
So Nathan went to his house. "Here", he told his mother "Guess what! I had my first * today."
She hit the roof! "Go to your room! Your father will be home soon and he can deal with you!"
Poor Nathan went dejectedly to his room. In time, Dad arrived home. He kicked in the door to Nathan's room.
"Mother tells me you need a hiding boy! What's the story!".
In a meek and timid voice, Nathan says, "I had my first * today, dad."

Well, Dad was stoked. "Well done, boy! I'm so proud of you! My own son! You're a man now boy - I'll take you out to the pub tonight!"
So he takes Nathan out to the Working Mens Club.. Surrounded by all his dads friends, Nathan is the toast of the place.
"Well done" they all yell.
Proudly Michael asks Nathan "Well, son, now you're with the men. Tell us all, when are you going to have your next *, son."

"Soon as my * stops bleeding!."

 

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my * to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's * and began to work back. "My *!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."

 

You know your living in 2005 when.... 1) you accidentally enter your password on a microwave












2) you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years












3) the real reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name












4) you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing to button on the tv.












6) your boss doesnt even have the ability to do your job.












7) you read this list, & keep nodding and smiling












8 ) as you read this list, you think about sending it to all your
friends












9) and.. you were to busy to notice number 5.












10) you actually scrolled back up to check that there was no 5












11) & now you're laughing at your stupidity