Jokes Thread

Biggest Joke- Rangers Think They Can Win The European Cup

 

Boyfriend Replies.
>
>
> Subject: FW: Girlfriend Cheats. Apologises. Boyfriend Replies.
> Apparently going around NY at the moment. 1st is a girl's apology
email for
cheating on some bloke. 2nd is his reply which was cc'd to his entire
address
book. He makes some excellent points.


> Brad,
>
> It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I
feel like
the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly
truly
sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the
whole entire
world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to
wrong in any
way. There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won't
even try
other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a
stupid thing.
I can handle you being * at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can
even handle
the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is
thinking
that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just
went
through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny
yesterday, I
couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen
to, and I
just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said
to me,
and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many
levels, but I
am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it
sounds
totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant
role in
my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and
weird to
say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that, and
you would
be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like
all of your
friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is
nothing
I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know
that
fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever
imagined. It
was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I
would give
anything in the world to rewind and fix it.


>
> I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you
won't.
If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my
stuff
together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if
you could
keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus
or work
today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and
I am
hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me.
Please
don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.


>
>
> I am so sorry.
>
>
> Elizabeth
>
>
>
> RESPONSE:
>
>
> Dear Elizabeth,
>
>
> Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L"
for
"Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".


>
> You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting
to carry
the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites
is "a
stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes while I sit
at the
bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran
that
morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent
removal
from my social calendar.


>
> To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
degraded
yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or
that you
seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow gave
you a
clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked
funny"
to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden
retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most
unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24
hours
straight. The good news for you is that my friends>


> don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the
average run
of the mill *-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as
your
average child * collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to
respect
some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though
she's
seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint
of
anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's
new
haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The
good
thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young
lad who
finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll
have a shot
and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.


>
> By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class
you really
must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do.
Watching you
parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea
lions mate.
Thought you might like to know.


>
> PS. I CC'd about 100 people on this email.
>
> Talk to you never,
> Brad

 

Found This Funny

 

Yeah that Cheatin * isn't sorry just sorry she was caught.

 

Q. What does Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball
almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An allrounder.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones
have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English
batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?

A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

 

It has become apparent that females do not figure very much in the
original "Guinness Book of Records" Therefore there has been a female
version created shown below;
Traffic Light Cosmetics
The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying
makeup was one of 1 hr 51 mins 8 secs by Ms. Janet Dodson (GB) at a
road
junction in the centre of Preston on 1st August 1975. Ms. Dodson, a
piano
teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the lights,
creating
a tailback of irate motorists stretching almost 28 miles towards
Leeds.
Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was
one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking
spaces, by Mrs.
Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on
12th
October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate,
Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the
pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later.There was slight damage to the
bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a
shop frontage and
two lamp posts.
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km
(313miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the
wheel
of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two
miles
into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke
billowing from the
rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest
completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator
flashing.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st
August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the
Birmingham
branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning,
Mrs. Wilks
could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both
in the
sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing
room with his head in his hands,
told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99,
only to return
the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet
to
wear it.
Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when,
starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair
of
shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days
before
eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a
jumble
sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire
on
February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial
scramble to
get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the
first table. A seven-
way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which
escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being
lost. A pitched battle over a
headscarf then ensued and quickly spreadthroughout the hall, claiming
39 old women.
The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a
kitchen
in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and
a
half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee,
cakes
and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was
exchanged
and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor
record
for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and
her
eighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November
1983 and
12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unelightening
dialogue
lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath
running.
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of
Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the
course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence,
that she was
having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at
2.10pm, Mrs Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them
all to
secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it
had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the
affair,
including the local * Dramatic Society, several knitting
circles,
a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the
butchers
wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night,
Mrs.
Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338
people,
enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet
simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of
Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at
a
night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl
Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by
146 other
members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet
at
9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37
mins
later.
Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her
husband
without asking a stupid plot-related question was
achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down
with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence
for a
breath-taking 2 mins 40secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a
baddie,
then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of
ignorance. This
broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs
of '633
Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".
Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break
the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.
Mavis
Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes
when
she excitedlyreported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her
neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds
without
pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the
ground.
She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was
released later after check-ups.At the peak of her mammoth
motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per
minute,
repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst
her
neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of
the
sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two
minutes
being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and
indignant
spasms.

 

A Canadian, Belgian & an Irishman head in for a pint. The Belgian orders a Stella, when the barmaid returns with his pint, he notices a fly swimming in it, (in my worst french accent) he quickly says, I can not drink 'dis, you must take it away!" The Canadian orders a Kieths, whent he barmaid returns with his ale, he too notices a fly swimming in his beer. "not to worry" he says and quickly snatches the fly out with his hand and downs the beer. The Irishman orders a Guinness and when the barmaid returns with his pint, again another fly swimming in the beer. The Irishman quickly grabs the glass from the startled barmaid, scoops the fly out and screams "SPIT IT OOT YA WEE *, SPIT IT OOT!

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect *. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your * for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your * for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your *
just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect * in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

 

Marvin Andrews ses to his team mates " The lord has sed to me , " Marvin come forth" barry shouts back we will be lucky if we r fukin fifth.


big eck has banned all watches and clocks frm team training, he sed the noise demorilised the players TIC TOP TIC TOP

 

thats a belter m8

 

lol good sign lol

 

Billy - the Rangers fan - is on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and he's currently sitting nicely on £64,000 when faced with this question:
*shows picture* which current Rangers player is this?
Billy looks confused but still confident that the answer is none other than Barry Ferguson, but to make sure he wishes to phone a friend
"Who do you want to phone Billy?"
"Ahh, I'll phone William, another friend from the bus"
"Hello William? Chris Tarrant here on WWTBAM we've got Billy here and he needs your help, we'll fax you four pictures"
Billy asks the question and William tells him that "It's definantely Lovenkrands"
So, Billy takes this into consideration and goes against William and decides to risk losing £32,000 and going for Ferguson.
"Im sorry, Billy thats the wrong answer, no worries heres your £32,000"
Billy's astounded and asks "Chris, it's killing me, what is the right answer"














"Marvin Andrews"

 

PMSL

 

TALIBAN T.V.

6.00 G-Had TV. Morning prayers.

8.30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.

9.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers.

11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.

12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.

12.30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on Americas attempts to take over the world.

13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some cooking.

14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.

14.30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.

15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. 'Starter for ten, no praying.'

15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.

16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.

17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.

17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.

18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.

18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?

19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?

20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.

21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?

22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.

23:30 They think it's Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the Mullah' round.

0.00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.

12.30 a.m. The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.

1.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

 

A Scotsman, an englishman and an irishman are all being executed in the firing line.

Up steps the scotsman and they ask him for his last words and he shouts WATCH OUT A TORNADO, so all the gunmen turn around and by the time they turn round the scotsmans done the off.

Up steps the englishman and they ask him for his last words and he says WATCH OUT AN EARTHQUAKE,so all the gunmen turn around and by the time they turn round the englishmans done the off.

Finally up steps the irishman and the guards ask him for his final words and he shouts watch out a FIRE , and they all shoot him.

 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says: - "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box.

 

paddy irish man,paddy english man and paddy * man are sitting on a hill.

paddy * man throws a burger over th hill and says there are too many of them in the country.

paddy english man throws a pint of guiness and says there are too many of these in the country.

paddy irish man throws paddy * man over the hill and says there are too many of these in the country.

 

Bit racy Mackie