A couple of jokes...

An old * guy walks into the pub, sits down at the bar and orders a pint. Half way through his pint he notices a table of young lads sitting in the corner. Having had a few he stands up and shouts over at the table of young guys 'I * your mother last night!' The lads just ignore the old guy so he sits down and carries on drinking. A while later and now very drunk he stands up again and shouts over at the lads 'I took her up the * as well!' Again the lads just blank him. Feeling a bit silly he sits down and orders another beer. Determined to get a reaction the old guy stands up again and shouts over at the table of guys 'I had my * in her mouth too!' At this point one of the young lads stands up and says

'Go home dad you're *!'

 

.....i knew a girl once who asked me to kiss her somewhere wet and smelly.



......so I took her to Greenock.........





....apologies if you live in Greenock

 

brilliant !

 

family live there but just dont diss the port

 

sickest joke i know - whats funnier than a dead baby ------------------ a dead baby in a clown suit ............. apologies !

 

3 surgeons at a convention.
German one says we can take a kidney from one person, put it in another and he will be back at work in 6 weeks.

French one says we can do the same but the patient will be back at work in 4 weeks.

English man says, thats * all, we can take an arshole out of Scotland, put him in Downing street and every * looking for a job in 24 hours.

 

agreed

 

Abe buys a raffle ticket in the synagoge.
Draw starts.
Ticket number 6, 3rd prize a new Rolls Royce.
Ticket number 42, Abe hand up Iv'e got it, it's mine. 2cd prize a woolen jumper.
How can that be when the 3rd prize was a Rolls Royce.
Caller says ah but Abe the Rabbi's wife knitted the jumper.
* the Rabbi's wife.
What you want Abe, 1st prize as well

 

Boooooooooooooo some jokes should never be told

 

a man and wife sitting in the house ,the man goes to his wife you want to go fishing? she replies * off its raining outside!
so the man says well if im staying in the i want a * " or a *....

so the wife being a quick thinker says well a * is about 4mins an a * 2 mins!!! ok she says ill give you a *!!
so she unzips and takes it out and starts 10 seconds later she spits and starts to boke and replies ...that tastes * awful"
and the man replies i know the * dog didnt want to go either...boom boom:icon_mrgreen:

 

...

 

paddy and mick in a helicopter paddy says to mick"if this turns upside down would we fall out?
mick says no mate we would still be the best of pals!!:icon_mrgreen:

 

pat walkin doon the street carrying a wardrobe. old woman goes "is that heavy son?" "no" he says "micks inside holding up the clothes"