Jokes Thread

What do you call a Hun in a University?




A burgular.

 

Brilliant.

 

Wee Allan from Dunbarton always wanted to look cool. His friend told him
that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit.

Allan saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning
his empty bottles of Bucky and finally managed to get himself a pair of
brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by
"see my new trainers? Cool, eh?" One fine upstanding gentleman pointed
out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Allan
aware that he had a lace undone?

Allan scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a
trailing lace and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions
for the wearer to do such a thing. When asked for proof of this
instruction, Allan took off his trainer and held it upside down for the
disbeliever to read. "There y'are! It clearly says.... Taiwan!!!!!

 

*! Good one again Flump!

 

whats pink and fluffy ????

 

Yer handcuffs?

 

no...............pink fluff

#curtisoy of my 5 yr old

 

A blonde woman went in to a garage and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a
seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I
have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it
was but this piece had always been there.
He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the
piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked,
"Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course,
it's right There .... scroll down!

 

Mirror mirror on the door

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her * grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my * touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off

 

Blind Man Walks into a Restaurant

A blind man walks into a restaurant
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and chesse with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is * around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!"

 

The truth is always less painful

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked,

"What do you have under the newspaper?"

"A bird," the guy replied.

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied,

"I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

Moral of the story........................ never lie to kids.

 

*, thats brightened up my day, * hillarious mate.

 

whats the difference between a black cab and stephan klos?

a black cab only lets in 5 at once

 

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror and complains to her husband that her * are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically
comes up with a suggestion,

"If you want your * to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her *.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replies.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
* every day will make my * larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says...

"Worked for your *, didn't it?"

 

A man was sitting on the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said, "No" so
she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No" so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, "Have you ever been fu*ked?"

The fellow said "No".

She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."

 

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the * have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the * were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain;"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

 

Read this selection of Premiership teams and the women they are most like. Plus an extra one for a team that used grace our top league. Read on...

Arsenal - Angelina Jolie
Looks good, a bit maverick at times and you know they have the
potential to really screw you over

Aston Villa - Dido
One big hit. Fairly inoffensive really

Birmingham City - Mariah Carey
Occasionally interesting, frequently annoying. Supporters are thick

Blackburn Rovers - Melanie Sykes
Common as muck Lancy, constantly worrying.

Bolton Wanderers - Natalie Imbruglia
Always looks like she might go down but never does

Charlton Athletic - Martine McCutcheon
Chirpy Cockney with the ability to spring a few surprises

Chelsea - Rachel Stevens
Every bit looks good from all angles. But what is she doing with that *

Everton - Barbara Windsor
Been laughing at those t*ts so long we forget that once upon a time they actually looked quite good

Fulham - Andrea Corr
Not bad to look at but not much of her. Seems a bit awestruck with fame

Leicester City - Patsy Palmer
Generally a bit **** and second rate really, but some people like her

Leeds United - Lisa Scott Lee
Dirty Lee

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis Bextor
Individually all the components look fantastic - just doesn't work
when put together.

Man City - Madonna
Have been big at times - now lost the plot a bit - ageing stars.
Nice new home though

Man United - Jordan
Dominated by t*ts. Screwed by Dwight Yorke. Quite repulsive
really

Middlesborough - Tara Palmer Tompkinson
Can look quite good at the back - but nothing at all up front to
speak of.

Newcastle United - Christina Aguillera
Can look good. Various unsavoury elements though.

Portsmouth - Chrissie Hynde
On the face of it a has-been but you're quite interested in what she's
going to do next

Southampton - Kylie Minogue
Sometimes you feel sorry for them, they’re not huge and you've got a
bit of a soft spot.

Tottenham - Joan Collins
Used to look good, but living on past glories.

 

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, bar ely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
'No," she said, "I was a hooker in
Kentucky and I worked both sides of the Ohio River.

 

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got
run over by a bus and I * myself laughing'.


A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He
said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your *, it's worked for your
*'.

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having * with his
patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale * licking
frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it
scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum
like?' Little girl replies 'Big * and vodka'.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and
pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said
........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.

Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I
have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off, I've
got a headache'.

Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part
was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble
started.

Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a
quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.

Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a
dangerous mole removed from his *...... he won't be * one of
those again!

It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5
kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the
* she is!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel....
They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her *.
Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the
iceberg!

Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the
receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes, I
won't take it up the *'!

 

Some good ones ther flump. Liked the one about Tescos! Reminds me of some of the women round our way!!