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Things People Actually Said in Court

Discussion in 'TalkCeltic Pub' started by Dempsey, Nov 11, 2008.

Discuss Things People Actually Said in Court in the TalkCeltic Pub area at TalkCeltic.net.

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  1. Dempsey

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    hese are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you kidding' me?

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting' laid!

    ATTORNEY: She had 3 children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None .
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney.. Can I get a new attorney?

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Guess.

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
     
    Dempsey, Nov 11, 2008
    #1

  2. Diegan

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    They got funnier as they go along. The last four in particular actually had me laughing. :56: :56:

    Yes, behold the great American justice system.
     
    Diegan, Nov 11, 2008
    #2

  3. belaki

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    wow americans are SO thick! Thank * I aint American! :bbpd:
     
    belaki, Nov 11, 2008
    #3

  4. belaki

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    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law

    :56:
     
    belaki, Nov 11, 2008
    #4

  5. Bhoys Dont Cry

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    hahahahaha all of them brilliant:HAHA:
     
    Bhoys Dont Cry, Nov 11, 2008
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  6. Marie Bookmaker

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    :laugh: very good :icon_mrgreen:
     
    Marie, Nov 11, 2008
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  7. Dan1888

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    Hhaha thats a belter lol. :56:
     
    Dan1888, Nov 11, 2008
    #7

  8. BhoyFromNorway

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    Oral. Lol :icon_mrgreen:
     
    BhoyFromNorway, Nov 11, 2008
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  9. Sideshow Bob

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    :56::56::56: Genius.
     
    Sideshow Bob, Nov 11, 2008
    #9

  10. chanbhoy67

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    :56:
     
    chanbhoy67, Nov 11, 2008
    #10

  11. Dirk_Diggler

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    :rolleyes: some good ones
     
    Dirk_Diggler, Nov 11, 2008
    #11

  12. Paul67 Administrator Administrator

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    Fav Celtic Song:
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    :56:brilliant.
     
    Paul67, Nov 11, 2008
    #12

  13. Daver

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    "ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral."

    That's a big "* you" to the system right there! Excellent!:56:
     
    Daver, Nov 11, 2008
    #13

  14. squire_2

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    Haha that one is top drawer :56:
     
    squire_2, Nov 11, 2008
    #14

  15. antokerr1888

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    ha ha brilliant
     
    antokerr1888, Nov 11, 2008
    #15

  16. liamsquire

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    Great post! :icon_mrgreen:
     
    liamsquire, Nov 11, 2008
    #16

  17. tim park

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    oral:56:
     
    tim park, Nov 11, 2008
    #17

  18. Jungle Bhoy

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    :56::56::56:Brilliant post! :50:

    Are American attorenys really that thick? :icon_mrgreen: I could be earning mega-bucks in America :icon_mrgreen:
     
    Jungle Bhoy, Nov 11, 2008
    #18

  19. jip

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    very funny the last one I thought was the best
     
    jip, Nov 11, 2008
    #19

  20. Ryan47

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    Fantastic.
     
    Ryan47, Nov 11, 2008
    #20
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