Non media rumours

It might be generous but I feel people view them under the lens of their price tags. They're absolutely miles better than you Palmas, Tilios and Holms. We view them solely as flops because we paid big money for them. I don't think we could do the same if we paid half the money we did, we'd view them as serviceable squad options.

 

Was your dinner nice last night mate?

 

He had spaghetti and it was very nice he enjoyed it.

 

Celtic Da Weekly latest from Celtic Underground




Yup, another week of the transfer window crawls past, and once again Celtic move with all the urgency of a drunk pensioner trying to find the exact change for the bus. This week was a particular low point with not even a token “monitoring” appearing in the headlines to maintain the pretence that someone is actually working in the CEO’s office. I’ve given up expecting to see the words “Celtic” and “swoop” in the same sentence but I’d at least have hoped for maybe a “tracking” or even a half-hearted “considering” in there somewhere over the past 7 days.

At this point, “Celtic are interested” has become the footballing equivalent of “thoughts and prayers,” a hollow, performative gesture that achieves absolutely nothing but still manages to buy you a couple of days before the fans dig out the pitchforks.

We’re told there’s “a lot of work going on behind the scenes,” aye, it is the same thing in the land of Oz, but at least the wizard gave the punters what they wanted at the end. By the time we actually sign someone, the only medical they’ll need is carbon dating. At this rate, our big deadline day coup will be a six-month loan for a 38-year-old full-back whose Wikipedia page has a “citation needed” tag on his birthdate.

Clubs across Scotland appear to be signing players like they are pulling rabbits out of a hat, manager and CEO on either side of them like proud parents as they welcome a player who was reserve left-back for East Fife last season. We, on the other hand, are clearly holding out for the final week of the window when we intend to wheel the local dog * bin into the boardroom, tip the contents onto the table and sift through it with a Bic pen like we’re in an episode of CSI: Lennoxtown before occasionally holding an item or two up to the light to see if they are actually a free agent.

What I wouldn’t give for just one unveiling video. You know the sort of thing, sweeping drone shots, a slow pan across an empty stadium before we zoom in on a lone figure sitting in the stand wearing a full kit and scarf, slowly he raises his head, smiles and says “ ‘Ail ‘ail Keltic vans” in a voice that sounds like he’s Dracula’s wee brother. Christ, right now I’d even take one of those unsettling sexual deviant ones - the player emerges from the shadow, points directly at you, rubs the palms of his hands together and then throws his head back laughing in a manner so unnatural you can only assume he’s trying to lure you into his motor. Last time that happened to me I was walking through Kelvin Way at 3am.

We still exchange Christmas cards.

I feel I should stop and explain what is going on here for new readers. Over the past week we’ve seen a dramatic increase in community members (there’s now almost 15 folk reading the site, incredible I know). This is clearly due to the series of in-depth, thoughtful, well-researched articles that have graced the site over the past ten days. It would appear that Celtic fans are desperate for intelligent, forensic analysis of the current state of the club. Basically a modern CQN but without the golf days or the pop-ups trying to sell you a timeshare.









This column, however, isn’t really like that. Imagine the rumour mill but old and tired. It’s like what we used to do with @celticrumours on Twitter (before it was run into the ground by a billionaire with the sensitivity of a wasp trapped in a lift) just without the restraint the word count demanded or the vague fear of a cease-and-desist. While the other guys are breaking down the harsh reality of the spreadsheet, debating the pros and cons of investing in young talent, and extrapolating total points based on current xG, we’re more interested in giggling at the funny name of our new centre-half. If we weren’t all so depressed we’d have gone big on saying we were intending to play Stefan Kuntz in front of him and maybe tempt Danny Shittu out of retirement. That’s the level we operate at here in CDW. Rude names. Hilarious.






Speaking of planets, the question everyone is asking is what on Earth is actually going on inside the club? (See that? Seamless. Somebody get me a Pulitzer.) How can it be that our recruitment feels less like a well-oiled machine and more like a clown car that was already missing a door when it left the factory? Well, we hear rumours…




Now, before we start, it’s important you understand that everything you read here is absolute nonsense. All of it. Made up. None of it true. The fevered ramblings of a Celtic Da who clearly wasn’t hugged enough as a child and now seeks the warm, empty validation of strangers online. All clear? Good. In that case, let’s begin.

We hear that after the last transfer window calamity, there was a grand push inside the club to “streamline” operations, which in Celtic-speak usually means someone’s been given the green light to buy a new stapler. Scouts were assigned to the positions the coaches had identified as priorities. Budgets for each slot were broadly agreed: £2m for a back-up to KT, £5–8m for a creative midfielder, that sort of thing. Off the scouts went, clipboards in hand, ready to unearth the next big thing.

By May, the work was done. Key targets had been identified, lists drawn up. The scouts presented their options for each position, the pros and cons were weighed, and the coaches agreed on a first choice and a fallback. Those names were then handed to the CEO…




And then…

Well…

Nothing.




We would have been as well tossing a message in a bottle into the Clyde and hoping it washed up in the Go Ahead Eagles dressing room bath with a contract attached.

Rumours that we’ve not just missed out on those players, but actually built a full-blown reputation across Europe as tyre-kickers of the highest order seem to have been rubber-stamped by the recent digs from Go Ahead Eagles. Inside the club, some optimists still cling to the idea that Breum will be signed, but they’re braced for the Dutch to “pull a Norwich,” meaning charge us 25% more than they would have back in June, when all it would’ve taken was a grown-up bid instead of the usual pocket change and a smile.

And fair enough, if we do get Breum it’ll be because we actually scouted him, a quaint, old-fashioned practice we appear to have abandoned for the rest of the window in favour of the “sit by the phone and see what the agents bring in” strategy. Which, as the Palma experience showed, is right up there with building a new stand out of breadsticks in terms of reliability.

 

Lock this thread until there's some rumours please. Catches you out every single time.

 

Agreed.

 

Heard a rumours, yous are just talking * in here.

 

Antonio or Vardy knowing us..

 

The huddle board back on top again

 

A rumour .... hallelujah !!!!

 

If the board think they can sell Maeda before this qualifier and with the window having went the way it has, it’s with complete disregard of Rodgers and the fans. There will be a fkin revolt

 

Has a prediction like this ever came to fruition? Feel like these sites just second guess.

Unless we got a ridiculous offer for Maeda (£25 million+) he's not leaving.

 

Don’t talk pish * sake

 

Lawwell, "hold my beer".

 

Or at all in this window as we'd need 3

 

Rumours a rumour at least. I defos think we will he “monitoring” Calvert Lewin until he goes somewhere. Just feel he is a Rodgers type signing.