How Do We Handle Lionel Messi?

As soon as he gets the ball in the 34th second at the Camp Nou, the following events should occur:

*Messi is shot in the back of his neck with a tranquiliser gun.
*Garry Parker then puts down his lucozade bottle and rolls him up in a carpet
*Put him in the back of Peter Lawwell's hired limo from outside the stadium
*Drive to El Prat airport (Not named after Barry Ferguson, it's actually real)
*Get on Dermot Desmond's private jet
*Fly to the peak of Montserrat mountain
*Wait til Messi wakes up
*He wakes up
*Malcolm Tucker insults him for 2 hours straight
*You play toytown for another 2 hours
*He dies












































































If that doesn't work, play Efe Ambrose.

 

Tap him up before the game about a move here in January, he'll be so torn about whether to leave Barca that his mind wont be on the game.

 

Tell Broony that Messi shagged his mum

 

Well, the only way I can see us having any sort of effect on Barca in general is if we have Kayal, Wanyama and Brown in the starting XI.

 

Just hope the best player in the world who plays in the best league in the world has an off night.

 

I have the perfect solution, to not only containing him, but actually opening up scoring chances for us. Hold on, this gets technical!

First, we ring Mr Gerrard Pique and explain that actually, Shakira is not pregnant with his baby. It is Mr Messi's baby. He dribbled his hardon up her pink funnel and forgot to pull out, now the worlds greatest footballer and one of the hottest singers in the world will produce a ricky martin number 2.

This will enrage Mr Pique so much, the thought of fathering a little Ricky Martin made by his own team mate, he will rush over to Messi's house and thump him, without question. During this Messi will use his burst of pace and techincal ability to land a few blows to Pique, leaving them fighting until both are in hospital.

The rest of the team will find out, just before the match. Leaving them in such a mess morally that facing the wall of noise in Celtic park to the whole crowd singing, "It wisnae gerrard it was big vic" and as the champions league theme plays, the camera then focuses on Victor's face, while he lets out a cheeky grin.

After that, Bracelona crumble, Celtic take a 3-0 victory.

 

We don't simple as! And we don't double, triple or quadruple mark him because that opens opportunities for the rest of their players!!

 

:smiley-laughing002::smiley-laughing002::smiley-laughing002:

 

Row z, first minute, get him to *.

 

We have to try and stop Xavi and Iniesta playing. Messi is phenomenal and arguably the best there has ever been, but a big part of that is down to the passing ability of the middle two (and Fabregas if he plays). Near enough all of Barcelona's attacks come through Xavi and Iniesta. They could play a one two in a phone box. Whether we can stop them playing remains to be seen but truthfully, I am fearing the worst for this one. They could rack up 6 or 7 against anyone on there day.

 

Give big Johan back his number 35 shirt and tell him Messi said his hair was *. Simple

 

Sounds so simple when put like that:icon_mrgreen:

 

Times like this i wish we still had players like du wei and rafeal scheit! Those boys would of stopped him

 

lads its not messi ya need to watch its anyone wearing a barca top fs any one in that team will pose a danger its just messi is the final piece of the puzzel and if he isnt their bet your bottom dollar inesta or xavi or pedro or villa or sanchez will be there to punish you

 

It's a win win for us, if Messi plays badly we've got a chance of getting a result. If he plays well then we will have watched the best player in the world play to his best ability against our own team. The fans are in for a treat regardless.

 

:icon_mrgreen:

sorted!!!

 

12 Gauge is the only possible answer I feel.

He is a different class.

 

we can't he's too good. No one can stop him. We're playing the greatest team ever, dont think any celtic fans are expecting a result ( away from home anyway) just go out and enjoy the experience

 

I would want Broony glued to Xavi's side. Honestly glued and just shutting him down every time. Xavi's a genius and if you can somehow manage to stop him playing a big part of Barcelona's flow is *.

The problem with this is I have watched almost every Barcelona game for the last 7 years or so. I can't remember one single honest to * bad performance from Xavi.