Jokes Thread

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Taliban asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The Jew replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? They are only $150.00. Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes."

The Taliban shouted, "I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot, I need water!"

The Jew replied, "OK then, don't buy my ties. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need."

The Taliban begrudgingly thanked him, then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.

Four hours later the Taliban came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table.

The Jew said,"...I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Taliban rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"

 

Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice
in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying *?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin..'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish *'. It's
when you drop the * tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste
it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things
went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith,
bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in
his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his
arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was
a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the * your husband
provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best * I've had in 25 years! But sure as
I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks
again!

 

That above joke had me in stitches..

 

Whats green and smells like pork?


Kermits middle finger

 

one word joke .............................................Rangers

 

BUMP COULDNAE LET AW THESE JOKES GO AWAY SOME CRACKERS ARE SOME ARE JUST SICK BTW HAS ANYBODY GOT ANYMORE?

 

whats got 5 letters and starts with a P?


.................a *




think about it.:bbpd:

 

How many rangers fans does it take to change a light bulb?



none. there happily living in Celtics shadow.

 

how many alzheimers patients does it take to change a light bulb?

to get to the other side!

 

Found this on another site...

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have *, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have * with you…”

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for * to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like * and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has * with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have * with me!”

The nun agrees but asks if they can have * * in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!”

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”

 

Snow white and the 7 deworfs are driving along the road when there car crashes and after the crash snow white calles out is everone ok then she heres a voice saying rangers are going to win the spl this season and shes says to her self well dopey is still alive

 

Whens a huns favourite day ?
Benefits collection day

 

I may have alzheimers...

...but at least I don't have alzheimers.



My wife has become really depressed lately. I came home the other day to find her naked and sobbing.

She was lying on the floor covering half her body with corn, maize and other arable produce. The other half was home to hundreds of tiny chickens, sheep and cows.

I'm worried she's started self-farming.

 

statistcally 6 out of 7 dwarves arent happy

 

Why do you never see any huns on Star Trek?


Coz its takes place in the future.