Jokes Thread

NOT BAD TOEY AS A MIDGET I LIKE IT

 

moved to jokes thread

 

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"[/FONT]

 

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"[/FONT]

 

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."[/FONT]

 

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica] Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

[/FONT]

 

A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a rangers fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are rangers

fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The

teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you

raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a rangers fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an

rangers fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a celtic fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are

you a celtic fan?"

"Because my mum is a celtic fan, and my dad is a celtic , so

I'm a celtic fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no

reason for you to be a celtic fan. You don't have to be just like your

parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was

a drug addict, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a rangers fan."

 

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub

 

Went a bit quiet in here has it not?

After her great success in the United Kingdom Hide & Seek Championships, Shannon Matthews has now decided to take her great exploits abroad and try her luck in Europe by taking on current European Champion, Madeline McCann.

 

Hahaha, some good ones in here

 

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time
to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

 

Celtic fan in the pub playing darts

1st dart treble twenty

2nd dart treble twenty

a hush falls over the crowd, who wait in anticipation...

Celtic fan throws the 3rd dart...it hits the wire! bounces out and into the forehead of a nearby Rangers fan killing him instantly...

The crowd go mental! clapping and cheering, Celtic fan says "I don't understand i just killed him"

another Celtic fan turns round and says "mate are you kidding? you just got the best score ever one hun dead and eighty..."









I'm here all night








unfortunately!

 

amazing m8

 

pat & mick go to join the ira .the general comes out and calls pat in and says a few short questions before we let you in . ok says pat . now if i cut 1 of your ears off what are you ? half deaf replies pat . and if i cut off the other ? totally deaf . welcome to the ira says the general . so pat goes out and says to mick its easy first answers half deaf second answers totally deaf . so the general calls in mick and says a couple of questions and your in if i cut off 1 of your ears what are you ? half deaf sir mick replies . and if i cut of the other ear what are you ? blind sir replies mick . blind the general says .yes sir replies mick . how the * do u work that one out asks the general . mick replies because my bunnit will fall over me eyes sir

 

One dark night outside a small town in New Jersey, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant.

They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby Irish rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Irishmen over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Irish, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Irish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Irish old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Irish firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Da furst thing we're gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck."

 

lol good 1

 

Lol yeah i liked the one with the firemen haha

 

plane crashes on remote african island, cannibal tribesmen capture glaswegian. as they put him in the pot, they asked him where he lived. when he told them, 1 of them replied "has our Bobo bought a house yet?"

 

I was talking to a young guy at work today who had just split up with his girlfriend and was nursing a broken heart.

I tried to give him the benefit of my experience and spoke to him about how sometimes when you are younger you meet a girl, you fall in love and you are absolutely convinced that this is it. This is for keeps. But of course love can turn sour and your left with a broken heart and you tell yourself that you'll never fall in love again.

But sure enough, time is a great healer and eventually you meet someone else and slowly fall in love again. But life being as it is that love turns sour and you're left with a broken heart again. So you pick yourself up and say never again. But sure enough another girl comes along and you fall in love again. And then you get another broken heart.

But eventually there comes the time when you have to sit down and look yourself in the eye and ask yourself































how much bigger can these girls * get ?