Jokes Thread

two guys are in a bar, both are married and their wives are twins.

guy no.1 says "so what did you get your wife for her birthday?"

guy no.2 says "i got her a diamond ring and a luxury car so that if she doesnt like the ring then she can take it back in the car and still be happy. what about you?"

guy no.1 says "i got her a pair of socks and a * so if she doesnt like the socks she can * herself"

 

Went out for dinner the other night with MC Hammer and Chico
I asked what time it was...pure carnage !

 

A Celtic supporter, a black man and a Rangers supporter are all waiting for the nurse in the hospital.
All three their wives had given birth. The nurse comes in the room and tells the men: 'Listen lads, I've got good news and bad news for you' The three men were absolutelly shocked. She continued: 'The good news is that all your wives have given birth to a beautifull little son each. You three can call yourselves proud daddie's. The bad news is that we forgot to tag the kids. That means we don't know wich kid is who's. So you get the opportunity to look at the kids and sort out wich one is yours. You can go in there in turns.'
The Celtic fan goes first and comes back with the black baby on his arm. When he noticed the other two were surprised, he explained: 'One of those three kids in there is an orange *, and in this way I'm sure I won't be taking home a * hun!'

 

I gave my missus a massive * last night,







Ungrateful * spat it out.

 

what did the blind man say when he walked past the fishmongers

good mornin ladies

 

afro man lyrics. class

 

i heard it in the sopranos myself

 

5 Rangers fans walking down the street.....A theif , a bigot , a liar , a rapist and a smelly *......and he's just the 1st one.....!!

 

Man United have signed a new striker from Nigeria.

On his first day of training, Fergie picked up the ball and said 'BALL' then pointed at the goal and said 'Goal. Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said 'Kick' understand, 'Kick ball, goal, GOOOOOAAAALLL!'

Eventually the young African plucks up courage to say "Excuse me Mr Ferguson but I speak very good English", to which Fergie replies ' Sit down son, I'm talking to Berbatov.'

 

Thatcher dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates St Peter asks for her name.
"Baroness Thatcher" comes the reply.
"Get lost, your not coming in here! You have to go to *"
Lady Thatcher goes downstairs, and three days later Peter gets an irate phonecall from Lucifer.
"What the hells going on! Did you send her down here?"
"Yes there's no way shes coming into heaven.."
"Well shes been here for three days an has already closed down 4 furnaces..!!"

 

daily star reader?

 

Marc Crosas's house was pelted with eggs and tomatoes by greenpeace protesters today on suspicion of joining a Norweigan fleet when it was leaked that he pulled in and ate some whale on Clyde.

 

A Rangers fan said to his mate, "i'm fed up with the excuses woman come out with to avoid having * with me";

"I'm washing my hair"
"I'm tired"
"I've got a headache"
"I'm your sister.."

 

seen it on sickipedia

 

Gordon Brown - Proving that no matter what you say, you'll never be as offensive on a microphone to anyone's intelligence as the X Factor is.

 

what do you call a sleepwalking nun?

a roamin' catholic...

 

This girl in a bikini stopped me to ask directions. I just kept saying to myself, "Don't stare at her *, don't stare at her *."
Then she said, "Don't stare at whose *?"
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My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deep throat * today.

"Really!?"

"No," she replied, "April Fogarbnsrgabsjg...."

That'll teach her to try to be funny...
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I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

I said, "I think my * tastes funny..."
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My mate called me a * earlier.

I almost choked on my window.

 

Although I hate the UKIP, I have to hand it to them. Labour, the Lib Dems and the Tories have only bothered to put election posters up but the UKIP have went to the trouble to drop flyers.

 

'Dyslexic Man Stabs Ex-Girlfriend'

Now that spells trouble, especially if he's sentenced.

And if you're interested, she's in a comma.