Jokes Thread

just bought a christmas tree and the assistant in the shop asked "are you putting it up yourself?" i replied "no you sick * its going in the living room"

 

katie price goes into a bentley garage and says to the salesman " i would like a car to be customized for my son harvey" they salesman replies " ye thats fine what flavour would you like the windows"

Jordan asked her son harvey what he would like to be when he is older, he replies "a teacher mummy" jordan says " dont be * stupid, you cant even controll your own * pupils"

 

katie prices new song

im a barbie girl , in a barbie world , its fantastic ma kids a spaztic
he cant comb his hair , he dribbles everywhere , imagination , coz he has retardation.
come on harvey lets go party , nananana.

 

Thats a Cracker Padee.

 

As a family sits down at the dinner table the son asks "dad how many kinds of * are there?" "well son, a woman goes through 3 phases - in her 20's there like melons,round and firm. In her 30's - 40's there like pears, still nice , but hanging a bit. After 50 there like onions" "Onions?" "Yes son, you see them and they make you cry". This infuriated his wife and daughter, so daughter asks "mum how many types of * are there?" "Well dear a man also goes through 3 stages. In his 20's like and oak tree-mighty and hard. In his 30's - 40's it's like a birch - flexible but reliable. After 50 it's like a christmas tree". "A christmas tree?" "Yes dear - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration" !

 

It turns out that Tiger Woods and his wife were simply having an argument over a game of cards.Apparently a club does beat a spade.

 

Why doe's the Pope wear his boxer shorts in the bath ?.









Cause he don.t like to look down on the unemployed.

 

Police today closed an area of Govan after finding a suspicious item in a car. The police later confirmed it was a tax disc.

I was thrown out of McDonalds today by an absolute stunner! she asked me if she could make it large for 30p, I replied that she already had but could * me off for a pound.

Just bought a new game for my Xbox. Its about smashing up motors with metal bars, picking up and * whores, using violence and evading police its called the Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2010.

 

Do you know when i was younger my family was so poor , if we didnt wake up with an erection on christmas morning we had nothing to play with !! :icon_mrgreen:

 

What do you call Postman Pat after he retires???
















Pat

 

what do you call bob the builder during the resession?










Bob

 

13 and 14 year old brothers sitting in there room one night, 14 year old goes..

"i think we can swear now we are teenagers."

13 year old replys..

"nah we cant do that mum would kill us"

14 year old says..

"we will try it tomorrow at breakfast"

so the next morning there sitting at the breakfast table and the mum says so what do you want for breakfast?

the 14 year old replys..

"i want coco pops ya *"

the mother flips and scuds her son around the ear, she then asked the 13 year old what he wants to which he replys

"i dont * want coco pops anyway"

 

Tea is for mugs..

 

hahahah ^^ both of them are class

 

Vladimir Putin sending telegram to Slovenian prime minister Pahor:
"Congratulations for your football team win in the play-offs for the World Cup. Stop.
I wish you all the best at the World Cup in South Africa next year. Stop.
Gas. Stop."

 

Oral * makes your day,* * makes your hole weak.

 

Dad says to his 12 year old boy. Do you know about the birds and the bees.
No dad and I don't want to know.
Why.
When I was 8 you told me there was no such thing as Santa.
When I was 10 you told me there was no *.
Now you are going to tell me that adults don't have * and leave me with * all to look forward too.

 

what have a pint of guinness and a catholic priest got in common?
if you get a bad one it will tear the * off ya